Come one come all, see the shameful untrustworthy liar at her worst

I am in one word, an idiot.
In several words… a jealous, conniving, untrustworthy sack of shit.
I have behaved like such an idiot… and no matter, whenever I do something and think I get away with it… I always get caught, I’m not a good liar, nor am I good at hiding something I have done wrong.
I have hurt Pete, countless times because of my insecurities.
I know I am the one to blame.
There is nowhere else to place the blame on anyone’s shoulders but my own. I make my own decisions, regardless where my suspicions come from.
I have been blessed to have a man in my life that treats me as well as Pete does.
I should not be jealous or spiteful, suspicious or untrusting.
By doing so I have made the love of my life feel this way.
He can’t trust me.
As soon as those words came out of his mouth tonight I knew how badly I had hurt him.
When he first confronted me with what I had done, I still felt justified.
But looking into his eyes I instantly felt pathetic.
They were blank and registered no emotion.
I think I would rather him scream and yell and use a thousand obscenities then look at me like that ever again.
When it comes right down to it, in our relationship Pete has had more of the right to be jealous and suspicious and untrusting… but he hasn’t. And no matter how many times I have screwed up in our past, he still looks forward to our future and never leaves me.
How could I ever have doubted him?
This man that would do anything for me?
I certainly don’t deserve him.
This entry isn’t for anyone else but him.
And perhaps for me to tell anyone who reads this how big of a scum I am.
The problem is, how do I make up for my transgressions?
I can’t.
Bless his wonderful heart Pete was so thoughtful of me tonight.
He told me that he would forgive me because he loves me.
That is more then I deserve.
He even held me in his arms and told me that he loves me.
Again, more then I deserve.
Sometimes I question his sanity when he stays with me, even though I’ve done stupid things like this. I wonder where it is that I’ve done something right in my world full of wrongs, who I helped out in a past life.
No matter what has happened to me in my past, I shouldn’t take it out on Pete.
He’s all I’ve got.
At the end of the day, he’s the one who’s there.
Life isn't like some romantic fairy tale and I have to keep telling myself that.
Just because we aren't always passionate about each other doesn't mean we don't have an unshakeable love and devotion to each other.
Regardless of the circumstances.
I need to fix what I have done here.
The problem is I don’t know where to start.
Pete mentioned to me that "I'm Sorry" doesn’t mean anything when you continue to do the same things you were saying you were sorry for.
I guess that’s where I need to start.
I want to let “I’m sorry” be true this time.
Pete has proven time and time again that I can trust him, but I continue to be suspicious.
Not anymore.
I’m going to be better then this. Especially for his sake.
He loves me and I love him with every ounce of space in my heart.
This is the last time I will say I am sorry for what I have done tonight baby.
It's not going to happen again.
Thank you for giving me another chance.