Inadequacy

I'm feeling generally inadequate lately and I feel the need to make up for it. I think during these times I can be very pushy and a little over compensatory but I just don't know what to do. For example, I gave Pete an important phone message, saved it on the phone but because of the way I worded it, he understood that he did not need to contact the person back and so today, the person called back again and the message was that he needed to contact her back in regards to something very important.
Needless to say Pete listened to both messages when he got home and was angry because I didn't interpret them the right way. I feel like a gigantic asshole , even though now that Pete has calmed down he has assured me it is not my fault. I still think it is, but thought it sweet of him to try and let me off the hook with myself because I always get so upset when he is mad... thus I get angry at myself and nobody wins, I get mopey and depressed and nothing gets done.
This caller is very important to Pete as it controls his future in corrections and I know how important it is to him.
Thus, I am trying to think of a way to make it up to him and assure him that everything will be fine because I don't know if I could live with this looming over my head.
I know how much this new job means to him. It will mean that he no longer has to put up with his current job situation that has caused him nothing but grief since the start.
I get so fed up with his current employers I just want to go down there somedays and administer a good thumpin' to his retarded boss.
They need to appreciate him for the amazing employee he is. He makes me look like a gi-normous slacker. I feel like I do nothing at my job, and I really don't.
Hence the free time I have to write on my blog right now as I have no calls to tend to, and nothing else that my job requires me to do but sit here and try to come up with things to do to occupy my time.
Bah.
I have to figure out a way to make it up to him.
I'm an asshole.
*sigh*

I had an awful dream today about Josh, I had only been asleep for about 2 hours when I woke up from this nightmare that had me in a panic. I dreamt that I was at work and Pete e-mailed me to tell me that Josh had died. I was freaking out and everyone was moving in all these directions not paying attention to the fact that I was going through a major crisis. Everyone was talking about death in general terms and I couldn't leave. Suddenly there was a letter in front of me and it was apparent that Josh had gone to Ontario and committed suicide. He wrote a note to his friends. There were pictures of each of the friend and for mine there were captions. One said "Best friend" "One I trust" and "Beautiful" He had a list associated with the letter and it was of one word questions. Mine was number three, the question was "when?" and the answer he gave me for it was "anytime you want to" and I couldn't understand what it meant. I was wandering around crying, trying to leave and no one would help me. Pete didn't have any emotions about it and I was going out of my mind. The thing about this dream was it was very lucid and I did not realize I was dreaming. I woke up and I was sobbing. I was so glad it was just a dream but so disturbed that I actually got up and went to call Josh to talk.
I swear I don't know what I would do if I lost him.
He assured me that he would never "off " himself. His joke made me giggle and we talked for an hour and then everything was better,
Now it suck again.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK