Exhaustion
I am emotionally exhausted.
I look at myself in the mirror and can’t believe how unbelievably sad I look.
I feel alone.
Fat and alone.
Today, Pete called me needy. I have never felt so ridiculous.
I realize that he is right. I’m needy.
I crave his attention and validation constantly and spend all of my time with him.
Then, when he wants to do his own thing, I think something is wrong.
The sad thing is, Pete really is my life. I don’t like to do things outside of my home.
Pete and the kitties are my home.
I guess I don’t understand why he might need to not be around me.
When I should.
I feel tired. I am tired because I can’t seem to get a full night of sleep lately and am constantly waking up in midday and finding myself unable to stay asleep.
I think it’s because I can’t separate things in my life so that they make sense to me.
I get frustrated and try to surround myself with things that take my mind off of the problems I am really concerned about.
I have a meeting with Annie tomorrow and hopefully we will make some headway on the issues we started to discuss last week.
I need to do a 180 and get back to some semblance of a normal existence, before I start feeling like I’m 16 again.
That life is worthless and I might as well not hang around to see how much worse it can get.
I look at myself in the mirror and can’t believe how unbelievably sad I look.
I feel alone.
Fat and alone.
Today, Pete called me needy. I have never felt so ridiculous.
I realize that he is right. I’m needy.
I crave his attention and validation constantly and spend all of my time with him.
Then, when he wants to do his own thing, I think something is wrong.
The sad thing is, Pete really is my life. I don’t like to do things outside of my home.
Pete and the kitties are my home.
I guess I don’t understand why he might need to not be around me.
When I should.
I feel tired. I am tired because I can’t seem to get a full night of sleep lately and am constantly waking up in midday and finding myself unable to stay asleep.
I think it’s because I can’t separate things in my life so that they make sense to me.
I get frustrated and try to surround myself with things that take my mind off of the problems I am really concerned about.
I have a meeting with Annie tomorrow and hopefully we will make some headway on the issues we started to discuss last week.
I need to do a 180 and get back to some semblance of a normal existence, before I start feeling like I’m 16 again.
That life is worthless and I might as well not hang around to see how much worse it can get.
posted by Jenn @ 11:13 PM
1 Comments:
At October 28, 2005 5:23 PM,
~ Awesome Gal ~ said…
There ain't an snowman's chance in hell that Pete and I will let you get to that point again! Personnally, as I've already told you in person, I am so proud of you for getting the outside help that you need. Sometimes it's good to get an outsider's objective stand-point on things that are going on - then you don't get an emotional (personally involved) response, just an honest one.
And it's also a good idea because it helps you come to terms with your past... which helps you steel yourself and look forward to the future, because you're not carrying that baggage anymore (or you found a new way to pack it so it's lighter and doesn't take up so much space :P )
I'm very proud of you! *hugs*
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