Pity Party

Yes I am having a party, come one come all.
I need to express how I feel and rather then continue to take it out on those that love me I will take it out on this blog so that only the few I really truly trust can read it.
I'm lonely, worse then that I am actually feeling horribly depressed.
I don't know how to fix all these ridiculous situations that I am faced with.
My professional life is non-existent. I work for someone who doesn't know the location of her own asshole. She is bitter, maniacal, self centered, grudge holding and just plain spiteful. Everyone is someone to gossip about, but if something is said about her she starts to immediatly cry to make it go away. It's why she'll never go any further with this company, they'll hide her there until they get tired of all the shit she pulls. When will that come? I have no idea but don't even care anymore. I'm going to apply for anything and everything that comes up in the way of a transfer and just hope to god Carrie doesn't shaft me in favour of keeping me on midnights because she's too selfish to let me be happy. Worse then that, Rob Dalton is back at Archway and he keeps harrassing me over e-mail. I simply warned him not to fuck with Melinda or there would be severe consequences. He's trying to act like we're old buddies which we certainly are not, and frankly I'm tired of it. I just want him to stay away from me.

I don't know if it's sleeping in the daytime that is promoting the lack of sleep but regardless, I wake up half way through the day and I can't get back to sleep.
I think it might be the whole sleeping alone thing, especially when I know that Pete is there and awake, I want to be with him. I hate being alone, in fact I'm quite petrified of it really. I've been having horrible nightmares about Pete leaving me.
What's his reason to stay anyway, if any of you readers had to put up with half of the shit that he does, I swear you'd be running for the hills. I don't know if roles were reversed if I would be as understanding as him. Our fights have basically centered on my insecurities, I've become way to attached to him and I fear that he's bored of me. Somedays I bet with myself wondering how much longer he'll stay. I feel like I'm dying inside because one day he could meet someone better and decide to hell with me and I don't think I could take it. I think that's what makes me so supicious and jealous. No matter how much he says he loves me and that he will never leave me, what happens when he wakes up one day and doesn't feel the same way anymore?

As you know, mom and I are getting along a lot better, doing a lot of stuff together which is great. I look forward to just hanging out with her. We recently made plans to have a sleepover on Thursday night because Dad is out of town hunting and mom is all alone in the house, we were going to practise our Italian cooking, drink some wine and just chat. She took Thursday and Friday off especially. Now today she cancelled on me because some painters are coming to the house on those days. I don't want to let her know how upset I am, but I was really looking forward to it, and now I'm just crushed.

Now I'm forced to go with my coworkers to a movie I don't even want to see on Friday morning just because I fear what Carrie will say about me if I don't. Apparently I owe them every iota of my spare time. - long story I don't really feel like getting into.

This morning in an effort to cheer myself up I crawled in with Pete for a little bit of "attention" and was brushed off because he was too tired. I understand, I really do but anytime something like that happens, I always feel awful about myself and I fall into a bitter, self centered and selfish sleep.
Maybe that's why the nightmares don't stop.

Petes out getting me one of my Christmas presents right now, some surprise he is apparently hatching... but I would rather him be here.
I'd rather he not leave me when I am visibly upset.
That's why I feel so alone.

Hope you enjoyed my pity party.
Thanks for coming