New job, New life?

I have officially given my two weeks notice.
No this isn't a Hugh Grant/ Sandra Bullock movie.
There's no chance in hell I'm going to fall in love with my boss!
LMAO.
I have been offered a position at NCR (National Cash Register)
which is in the Richardson Building.
I start my training today at 2:30 pm.
It's an inbound dispatch position.
I will be dispatching service technicians to fix ATM machines in the States.
Not to shady a deal for what I'll be making - $11.25 an hour
and my hours are also quite kick ass.
Monday - Friday 7am-3:30pm NO WEEKENDS!
Fucking spectacular!
So I'm leaving Archway behind, the only downside is I will have to work 2 jobs for 2 weeks... joy joy joy.
And, I'm leaving right before Christmas, I don't like starting somewhere new with people I don't know around the holidays, but at least I will be around for the Archway Christmas party, should be fun.
I just need to drag pete along with me to a solid day shift and life will be wonderful. :)
I can always dream.
Here's to Christmas being just around the corner.
Love,
Jenn

Come one come all, see the shameful untrustworthy liar at her worst

I am in one word, an idiot.
In several words… a jealous, conniving, untrustworthy sack of shit.
I have behaved like such an idiot… and no matter, whenever I do something and think I get away with it… I always get caught, I’m not a good liar, nor am I good at hiding something I have done wrong.
I have hurt Pete, countless times because of my insecurities.
I know I am the one to blame.
There is nowhere else to place the blame on anyone’s shoulders but my own. I make my own decisions, regardless where my suspicions come from.
I have been blessed to have a man in my life that treats me as well as Pete does.
I should not be jealous or spiteful, suspicious or untrusting.
By doing so I have made the love of my life feel this way.
He can’t trust me.
As soon as those words came out of his mouth tonight I knew how badly I had hurt him.
When he first confronted me with what I had done, I still felt justified.
But looking into his eyes I instantly felt pathetic.
They were blank and registered no emotion.
I think I would rather him scream and yell and use a thousand obscenities then look at me like that ever again.
When it comes right down to it, in our relationship Pete has had more of the right to be jealous and suspicious and untrusting… but he hasn’t. And no matter how many times I have screwed up in our past, he still looks forward to our future and never leaves me.
How could I ever have doubted him?
This man that would do anything for me?
I certainly don’t deserve him.
This entry isn’t for anyone else but him.
And perhaps for me to tell anyone who reads this how big of a scum I am.
The problem is, how do I make up for my transgressions?
I can’t.
Bless his wonderful heart Pete was so thoughtful of me tonight.
He told me that he would forgive me because he loves me.
That is more then I deserve.
He even held me in his arms and told me that he loves me.
Again, more then I deserve.
Sometimes I question his sanity when he stays with me, even though I’ve done stupid things like this. I wonder where it is that I’ve done something right in my world full of wrongs, who I helped out in a past life.
No matter what has happened to me in my past, I shouldn’t take it out on Pete.
He’s all I’ve got.
At the end of the day, he’s the one who’s there.
Life isn't like some romantic fairy tale and I have to keep telling myself that.
Just because we aren't always passionate about each other doesn't mean we don't have an unshakeable love and devotion to each other.
Regardless of the circumstances.
I need to fix what I have done here.
The problem is I don’t know where to start.
Pete mentioned to me that "I'm Sorry" doesn’t mean anything when you continue to do the same things you were saying you were sorry for.
I guess that’s where I need to start.
I want to let “I’m sorry” be true this time.
Pete has proven time and time again that I can trust him, but I continue to be suspicious.
Not anymore.
I’m going to be better then this. Especially for his sake.
He loves me and I love him with every ounce of space in my heart.
This is the last time I will say I am sorry for what I have done tonight baby.
It's not going to happen again.
Thank you for giving me another chance.

Give this one a listen...

Peter Gabriel - Book Of Love

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures
and instructions for dancing
But I...........
I love it when you read to me
And you.........
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I...........
love it when you sing to me
And you........
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I...........
love it when you give me things
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I......
love it when you give me things
And you............
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I..............
love it when you give me things
And you............
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

Pity Party

Yes I am having a party, come one come all.
I need to express how I feel and rather then continue to take it out on those that love me I will take it out on this blog so that only the few I really truly trust can read it.
I'm lonely, worse then that I am actually feeling horribly depressed.
I don't know how to fix all these ridiculous situations that I am faced with.
My professional life is non-existent. I work for someone who doesn't know the location of her own asshole. She is bitter, maniacal, self centered, grudge holding and just plain spiteful. Everyone is someone to gossip about, but if something is said about her she starts to immediatly cry to make it go away. It's why she'll never go any further with this company, they'll hide her there until they get tired of all the shit she pulls. When will that come? I have no idea but don't even care anymore. I'm going to apply for anything and everything that comes up in the way of a transfer and just hope to god Carrie doesn't shaft me in favour of keeping me on midnights because she's too selfish to let me be happy. Worse then that, Rob Dalton is back at Archway and he keeps harrassing me over e-mail. I simply warned him not to fuck with Melinda or there would be severe consequences. He's trying to act like we're old buddies which we certainly are not, and frankly I'm tired of it. I just want him to stay away from me.

I don't know if it's sleeping in the daytime that is promoting the lack of sleep but regardless, I wake up half way through the day and I can't get back to sleep.
I think it might be the whole sleeping alone thing, especially when I know that Pete is there and awake, I want to be with him. I hate being alone, in fact I'm quite petrified of it really. I've been having horrible nightmares about Pete leaving me.
What's his reason to stay anyway, if any of you readers had to put up with half of the shit that he does, I swear you'd be running for the hills. I don't know if roles were reversed if I would be as understanding as him. Our fights have basically centered on my insecurities, I've become way to attached to him and I fear that he's bored of me. Somedays I bet with myself wondering how much longer he'll stay. I feel like I'm dying inside because one day he could meet someone better and decide to hell with me and I don't think I could take it. I think that's what makes me so supicious and jealous. No matter how much he says he loves me and that he will never leave me, what happens when he wakes up one day and doesn't feel the same way anymore?

As you know, mom and I are getting along a lot better, doing a lot of stuff together which is great. I look forward to just hanging out with her. We recently made plans to have a sleepover on Thursday night because Dad is out of town hunting and mom is all alone in the house, we were going to practise our Italian cooking, drink some wine and just chat. She took Thursday and Friday off especially. Now today she cancelled on me because some painters are coming to the house on those days. I don't want to let her know how upset I am, but I was really looking forward to it, and now I'm just crushed.

Now I'm forced to go with my coworkers to a movie I don't even want to see on Friday morning just because I fear what Carrie will say about me if I don't. Apparently I owe them every iota of my spare time. - long story I don't really feel like getting into.

This morning in an effort to cheer myself up I crawled in with Pete for a little bit of "attention" and was brushed off because he was too tired. I understand, I really do but anytime something like that happens, I always feel awful about myself and I fall into a bitter, self centered and selfish sleep.
Maybe that's why the nightmares don't stop.

Petes out getting me one of my Christmas presents right now, some surprise he is apparently hatching... but I would rather him be here.
I'd rather he not leave me when I am visibly upset.
That's why I feel so alone.

Hope you enjoyed my pity party.
Thanks for coming

Inadequacy

I'm feeling generally inadequate lately and I feel the need to make up for it. I think during these times I can be very pushy and a little over compensatory but I just don't know what to do. For example, I gave Pete an important phone message, saved it on the phone but because of the way I worded it, he understood that he did not need to contact the person back and so today, the person called back again and the message was that he needed to contact her back in regards to something very important.
Needless to say Pete listened to both messages when he got home and was angry because I didn't interpret them the right way. I feel like a gigantic asshole , even though now that Pete has calmed down he has assured me it is not my fault. I still think it is, but thought it sweet of him to try and let me off the hook with myself because I always get so upset when he is mad... thus I get angry at myself and nobody wins, I get mopey and depressed and nothing gets done.
This caller is very important to Pete as it controls his future in corrections and I know how important it is to him.
Thus, I am trying to think of a way to make it up to him and assure him that everything will be fine because I don't know if I could live with this looming over my head.
I know how much this new job means to him. It will mean that he no longer has to put up with his current job situation that has caused him nothing but grief since the start.
I get so fed up with his current employers I just want to go down there somedays and administer a good thumpin' to his retarded boss.
They need to appreciate him for the amazing employee he is. He makes me look like a gi-normous slacker. I feel like I do nothing at my job, and I really don't.
Hence the free time I have to write on my blog right now as I have no calls to tend to, and nothing else that my job requires me to do but sit here and try to come up with things to do to occupy my time.
Bah.
I have to figure out a way to make it up to him.
I'm an asshole.
*sigh*

I had an awful dream today about Josh, I had only been asleep for about 2 hours when I woke up from this nightmare that had me in a panic. I dreamt that I was at work and Pete e-mailed me to tell me that Josh had died. I was freaking out and everyone was moving in all these directions not paying attention to the fact that I was going through a major crisis. Everyone was talking about death in general terms and I couldn't leave. Suddenly there was a letter in front of me and it was apparent that Josh had gone to Ontario and committed suicide. He wrote a note to his friends. There were pictures of each of the friend and for mine there were captions. One said "Best friend" "One I trust" and "Beautiful" He had a list associated with the letter and it was of one word questions. Mine was number three, the question was "when?" and the answer he gave me for it was "anytime you want to" and I couldn't understand what it meant. I was wandering around crying, trying to leave and no one would help me. Pete didn't have any emotions about it and I was going out of my mind. The thing about this dream was it was very lucid and I did not realize I was dreaming. I woke up and I was sobbing. I was so glad it was just a dream but so disturbed that I actually got up and went to call Josh to talk.
I swear I don't know what I would do if I lost him.
He assured me that he would never "off " himself. His joke made me giggle and we talked for an hour and then everything was better,
Now it suck again.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Some father...

I am angry tonight that I have been yet again, treated like a child.
No matter how old I get, I am not worthy to be included in grown up discussion.
At least in my fathers eyes.
My mom called me today, crying.
My father had called her up and told her that for Christmas Eve, we would be having dinner at the Friesens. They are our cousins who we have not spoken to in years because of the way they have treated our family.
Now that we no longer live at home, Dad seems to think that it is time to recreate a bond with his so called "brothers".
Fine, just fine.
But not for Christmas dinner.
Mom and I are taking cooking classes at Deluca's because mom wanted to make Christmas Eve this year an Italian dinner.
And I am so honored that she wants me to help her.
Mom and I are really starting to bond and it's become very important to us.
My mom was absolutely furious at him.
All the Freisen family does on Christmas is sit around and get shit faced which gives them the excuse to act like assholes.
For the past 15 years we have had Christmas Eve at home.
We have a big dinner, open a few presents, go to bed.
We like it that way.
Christmas is supposed to be that way for us.
So anyways I called up my dad after I calmed my mother down and told him exactly how I felt.
I told him that we are having Christmas Eve dinner at home and that is that.
He yelled at me, told me not to lecture him and said we would "have the dinner where we fucking have the dinner"
Meaning he thought - fine discussion ended. We're having dinner at Bob and Judy's
Mom and I have talked about it in detail and if that is what they want to do, then fuck em
If it is just the two of us (3 with Pete) and we have to order a pizza we are going to have an Italian dinner at home on Christmas Eve.
I totally back my mother up and I refuse to go to Bob and Judy's on Christmas Eve.
I am so angry right now, and hurt
My father says I have no right to be involved in the situation in the first place.
But it's too late because my mother pulled me in already.
So whatever, I don't care.
If that's the way it's going to be then fine.
I have given my father chance after chance to have a relationship with me and he constantly flips it back in my face.
Maybe I should just stop trying.
Maybe I don't need a father who lies to me, who hurts me and who doesn't have time for me or anyone else but himself.
This ramble might not make any sense but it has helped me let off some steam.
That's all I care about.
I need a vacation from my life

Jenn

Learning to be yourself

Why is it that couples always seem to pick the most ridiculous things to fight about?
Pete and I always seem to get into these intense arguments where the one who is wrong should ultimately concede, but just plain refuses to do so.
After one of these famous fights tonight I was crying and asking Pete why we fight like this. He said it’s because we get to make up.
He’s right.
We’ll hold each other and kiss and just apologize.
That is what is important at the end of the day.
Yes, you can fly off the handle, scream and shout and cry.
But when you regain the calm attitude that makes you realize that you were actually wrong, you can maturely apologize to one another and go back to your peaceful existence together. Well, mostly peaceful.
That’s what it means to have an adult relationship.
I think it’s the most amazing thing…
As children and teens when we start to experience with the opposite sex, everything is always about pleasing that other person.
You dance on eggshells and disguise who you are to prevent them from seeing that you are actually a human being *WITH FLAWS!!!*
Then one day, one or the other loses it…there’s a fight and it’s over.
Just like that.
Because as partners in a romantic relationship, there is no cause for fighting.
WRONG!
I love that I can see that now.
I learned this lesson with Pete.
We had our first huge fight and I remember telling him goodbye and assuming the relationship was over.
He caught me and explained to me that yes, he was angry… but he still loved me and wanted me and thought it was ridiculous for me to simply walk away.
I started to let in more of myself, and with time I was so comfortable with him a lot of my inhibitions flew out the window.
I would sing loudly in the shower… let him see me naked with the lights on…
I used to be paranoid about anyone seeing me without makeup on my face because I hated my complexion.
Pete was constantly reassuring me that I was most beautiful without makeup and eventually, I didn’t care about it anymore.
Sure I still wear makeup when I want a bit of a boost but I can be myself.
And he loves me.
I hope that everyone is able to learn that lesson.
You’re always going to have fears and doubts and insecurities but that’s just what it is to be a woman.
Chances are, the most beautiful person you know feels fat or ugly or simple minded.
Everyone is afraid of what others think of them.
The fear of rejection, the failing grade.But remember that the only grade that really matters is the one you give yourself.

Another one for the lovers out there

Today is the start of my weekend! YAY!
While I don’t feel I really deserve one as I’ve only worked 3 days this work week, I welcome it with open arms.
Lots of rest and relaxation, and best of all I get to spend time with Pete.
He just went back on rotation at work again, after being on the night shift for almost 3 months and I am not adjusting very well to this change of schedule.
I really liked spending my spare time with him and the house seems empty when he is not around. I come home from work and he’s in bed, when he gets up to go to work, I’m in bed. Unless one or the other forgoes on sleep to stay up with the other we are strangers in the night… who cuddle up to each other in bed.
Seeing as neither one of us wants to sacrifice our sleep for the other, we wait to see each other for our days off, which isn’t a bad thing, but it isn’t a good thing either. We rack up the phone bills...
I love him very much, I know I say this pretty often but the thing is, he makes me so overcome with love for him some days, I can’t help but share it.

Pete is so sweet and incredibly considerate of me when we are together. He’s like my right arm, I have no idea what I would do without him…. Probably fall over from lack of balance. Ha Ha Ha.
But it’s really true. It’s hard to picture your life without someone who you have come to trust and love and count on as a part of your daily life.
It’s an incredibly horrendous experience to imagine that they could ever leave you.
But Pete and I, I believe that we are forever.
If I’m going to get married - it will be to him and if I have children - they will be ours.
It just makes sense.
I love his practical dreams for us.
It makes me smile to know that Pete has plans that include me… now and always.
I’m not sure I should divulge this but I’m pretty sure it’s only Jacki who reads this blog but recently Pete and I were lying in bed and he told me about his dream for us.

He dreamed of us married, coming home (yes, a house of our very own) from a day at work, making dinner and sitting down to talk about our days. He tells me that he has finally gotten the promotion he’s been waiting for at work and I curb my excitement and tell him softly that all our hard work in the bedroom has paid off because I am pregnant with our first child.
We are both ecstatic as we hug and I tell him he won’t be able to go out with the guys much anymore when we have the baby.
He also says we’ll have to cut out our trip to Cuba this year because we’ll need to save money and I won’t be able to fly.
We were lying there in the dark when he told me all of this (in much better detail then my recap of course) and although he didn’t see it, I was crying softly. I really didn’t think he spent time thinking about those things. I know it’s kind of hokey, but I really want all that. I am so glad that he feels exactly the same way about it.
These are the kind of sweet things he does that no one else is really privy to but me.
It’s funny when I think about all the cute inside things we have with each other.
Like our 2 squeezes anywhere on the others body to signal the other with an “I love you” which we do a zillion times a day, no body sees it - it’s comfortable and it warms my heart. It started off as a way for us to not grossing out our friends by saying “I love you” to each other all of the time and it has grown to something special that we share that is meant just for us... things like that.
What a great guy.
I think the rest I'll just keep to myself, but I'm glad I got that out...
Time to go join him for a cuddle.

Love,
Jenn